Alcoholics Anonymous
by Lovely Zelda
Summary: The Amazon Trio finally admits they have a problem. Sort of.


Disclaimer: I own nothing, only the strange habit of mixing dub names with Japanese genders.   
  
Rating: Let's say PG-13. Allusions are made to m/m/m, references are made to the Amazon Trio's drinking habits, foul language, and Serena and Rini get smashed. And jokes from 1994/1995.   
  
Other: If gender ambiguity bothers you, skip this story. While Fish-Eye's male(hell, it's how I watch the dub!), I couldn't decide what Zirconia should be. So I didn't! ^_^   
  
"Amazon Trio! Do you know why I called you here?" Zirconia growled.   
  
The Trio exchanged a glance and winced. This probably had something to do with the fact that they'd used Zircon for evil again. Still, what was the point of having a Kodak quality, flying eyeball if you didn't take advantage of it? Even though it did probably mean that Zircon had flown back to give its master the negatives from the night before. "If it's about last night, Grand Master Zirconia," said Hawk-Eye, "we were very drunk."   
  
"Oh yes," Fish-Eye quickly agreed.   
  
"I'd never do that otherwise," Tiger-Eye added.   
  
"Exactly!" Zirconia snapped. "You three have a problem! And what happened last night?"   
  
"Nothing," the three Amazons chorused. Zircon somehow managed to snicker to itself.   
  
"Where were you before I summoned you?"   
  
"In the bar," Tiger-Eye replied.   
  
"And did you eat breakfast?"   
  
"Of course," said Fish-Eye, looking bored. "It's the most important meal of the day…"   
  
"And what did you have for breakfast?" Zirconia continued.   
  
"Cereal," said Hawk-Eye.   
  
"We were out of milk so we used gin," added Tiger-Eye.   
  
"I didn't have cereal," said Fish-Eye. "I'm trying to watch my girlish figure." He giggled, causing everyone in the room to sweatdrop. "So I just had gin."   
  
Zirconia sighed. S/he was starting to see why Queen Nehelenia was so pissed off. "And is this your budget?"   
  
Zircon flew down and gave Hawk-Eye a piece of paper. "Why, yes, Grand Zirconia," said Hawk-Eye.   
  
"Is something wrong with it?" asked Fish-Eye.   
  
"Well, not only have you requested a large amount of money for lingerie," Zirconia began. Hawk-Eye and Fish-Eye both turned bright red. Tiger-Eye coughed and looked nervously around the room. "Do you realize how much falls under 'keg fund'?"   
  
"We wouldn't buy just beer with it," Tiger-Eye protested.   
  
"I don't even like beer that much," said Fish-Eye.   
  
"You three are raging alcoholics!" Zirconia screamed.   
  
The Amazon Trio exchanged another glance. "Isn't it for the spell that makes us human like beings?" asked Fish-Eye. He pointed to Tiger-Eye and Hawk-Eye. "They told me that if I didn't drink several dozen martinis a day I'd turn back into a fish!"   
  
"No, you idiots!" Zirconia's voice cracked, truly starting to blur the line between male and female. "And if you don't get professional help, Queen Nehelenia will happily destroy you!" Not that we aren't planning to do that anyway, but it would be nice to see results first...   
  
"We have a queen?" asked Tiger-Eye.   
  
"Yes! Can you three remember anything?"   
  
"We can quit any time, Grand Zirconia," Tiger-Eye quickly added.   
  
"We're really just social drinkers," added Hawk-Eye.   
  
"You only socialize with each other!" snapped Zirconia.   
  
"If we find the Golden Crystal, does that count as professional help?" asked Fish-Eye.   
  
Zirconia threw Zircon at them. The Trio quickly bowed, then leapt into their portals. Sighing, the ringmaster plopped down on his/her throne. S/he wasn't looking forward to the day when s/he'd finally have to tell Nehelenia that the Amazon Quartet were selling their bodies for smack or that half the lemures dropped acid on their days off. The whole circus was going to pot and practically in the literal sense of the word…   
  
  
***  
"We don't have a problem," said Fish-Eye as a human attired trio trudged towards the nearest AA meeting.   
  
"There'd better be chicks there," muttered Tiger-Eye. " And I think what happened last night counts as a problem…"   
  
"I didn't have a problem with it," Fish-Eye snapped.   
  
"That's because you're into that kind of thing, Fish."   
  
"You seemed pretty into it!"   
  
"Would you two stop fighting?" Hawk-Eye sighed. "We need to find a way out of this."   
  
"We could turn in the Amazon Quartet," Tiger-Eye suggested.   
  
"Zirconia already knows about that," said Hawk-Eye.   
  
"And besides, you're their biggest customer," Fish-Eye added snidely.   
  
Tiger-Eye leered at him. "Do you mean biggest as in—"   
  
"No," Hawk-Eye and Fish-Eye both replied.   
  
The blond scowled. "You two are just jealous because they asked me to be their pimp," he snapped.   
  
There was a long silence. Fish-Eye finally broke it by asking, "We can still drink after we've gotten professional help, right?"   
  
"I'm sure we can," Hawk-Eye assured him.   
  
  
***  
"Mama, we think you have a problem," said Rini.   
  
Ikuko was once again lounging on the sofa, wearing her pot holders and nursing a bottle of vodka. "Problem?" she slurred. "You want a problem? You try raising two hyperactive rabbit children."   
  
"Hyperactive?" Serena squeaked.   
  
"Rabbit children?" asked Rini, mostly because the joke didn't work in North America.   
  
  
***  
The Trio immediately brightened when they saw the refreshment table. "Punch!" Tiger-Eye exclaimed, happily running towards it.   
  
"It has been awhile since we've had anything to drink," said Fish-Eye as he and Hawk-Eye followed their teammate.   
  
Hawk-Eye nodded. "Almost twenty minutes…"   
  
Fish-Eye shuddered. Tiger-Eye, meanwhile, spit out his punch. "What the hell's in this?" he screamed.   
  
"What's wrong?" asked Hawk-Eye.   
  
"This is the bad kind of punch!"   
  
Hawk-Eye and Fish-Eye cringed. "Now what're we supposed to do?" asked Hawk-Eye.   
  
They looked at the table. There were nothing but stale looking Oreo's and the bad kind of punch.   
  
"First time here?" asked a man who'd been listening.   
  
"Look, we're just here to get professional help as fast as we can so we can go back to our bar!" Tiger-Eye snapped.   
  
"I told you, I can quit anytime I want!" Ikuko snapped as her daughter and granddaughter shoved her through the door.   
  
The Amazon Trio turned to watch. "Isn't that..." began Fish-Eye.   
  
Hawk-Eye nodded, already starting to leer. "I knew we had something in common," he said.   
  
Noticing the three staring at her, Ikuko staggered over. "I'm Ikuko," she said. "I was driven to drinking by my lazy, hyperactive bimbo daughters...although I think one of them is my niece or my cousin or something. I don't even know anymore..." She turned to Fish-Eye. "So just remember, young lady, always hold on to your beautiful dreams and never throw them away just because of a...small problem that can be easily fixed by a wire hanger."   
  
Tiger-Eye and Fish-Eye stared at her, twitching slightly. Hawk-Eye, meanwhile, sniffled dramatically and said, "You look just like my mother."   
  
Fish-Eye elbowed him. "I'm Fiore," he said, holding out his hand.   
  
"What an unusual name," Ikuko said as they shook hands. "Is it French?"   
  
"Yes," Fish-Eye replied. "It's French for...uhm..."   
  
"Queer?" Tiger-Eye suggested.   
  
"Excuse me, I have breasts today," Fish-Eye said, pointing to two boxes worth of Kleenex that had been sacrificed for that day's disguise. "And I told you to stop calling me that!"   
  
"It's more original than John Smith," Hawk-Eye added, looking at Tiger-Eye.   
  
"Shut up," Tiger-Eye snapped.   
  
"Who are you?" asked Ikuko, turning to Hawk-Eye. "You look very familiar..."   
  
"Sammy," said Hawk-Eye as he kissed her hand.   
  
"What a coincidence!" Ikuko replied, smiling. "That's my son's name!"   
  
Tiger-Eye and Fish-Eye exchanged a disgusted glance as Hawk-Eye smiled back at Ikuko.   
  
  
***  
The Amazon Quartet was once again lounging around their massage parlor. "How much money did we make last night?" asked JunJun.   
  
"There was another...incident with PallaPalla," said VesVes, glaring at the blue haired girl who was playing with her dolls again.   
  
"What happened?" asked CereCere.   
  
"We were playing pretend!" PallaPalla said happily.   
  
"And?" JunJun prompted.   
  
"What were you pretending to be?" asked CereCere.   
  
"I was Lorena and he was my husband, and after awhile, he didn't want to play anymore!" PallaPalla said, looking hurt. "But I did get his wallet and a brand new dolly before he ran away!"   
  
The rest of the Quartet didn't know if they should be impressed or very frightened. VesVes noticed the "new dolly" and winced. "That's disgusting, PallaPalla," she said. "Throw that out before Zirc-face gets here."   
  
  
***  
Things were going fairly well at the AA meeting. At least until the Amazon Trio were forced to introduce themselves and talk about their collective problem. Unfortunately for them, fate had chosen Tiger-Eye. "My name is John Smith. Have we gotten professional help yet?"   
  
"Why are you here, John?" asked a perky counselor. He was wearing a green and yellow polo shirt with a pink sweater tied around his shoulders, khakis, and white sneakers. In this outfit, he was the only potential rival of the disguised Trio's poor taste.   
  
"Because my hermaphrodite employer made me come here!" Tiger-Eye snapped. Hawk-Eye and Fish-Eye started snickering.   
  
"Trouble at work?" the counselor asked sympathetically.   
  
Tiger-Eye, Hawk-Eye, and Fish-Eye grimaced in unison. "Yeah. Have we gotten help yet?" Tiger-Eye asked again. "We need to get back to our bar!"   
  
"John, I think you have a serious drinking problem," the counselor replied. He glanced at Hawk-Eye, who was still hitting on Ikuko, and at Fish-Eye, who winked at him.   
  
"No, I don't," said Tiger-Eye. "My only problem is I haven't had anything to drink in the last half hour!"   
  
Fish-Eye reached into his pocket and magicked himself a flask. He quickly drank out of it, then passed it to Hawk-Eye.   
  
The counselor sighed, completely oblivious of the hip flask that was being passed back and forth between Hawk-Eye and Fish-Eye. "John, I think you need to look deep within yourself and see if your drinking is really under control. Maybe you're mistaking a spiritual emptiness for a hunger for alcohol."   
  
"Spiritual emptiness" was one of many phrases that tended to confuse the Trio, much like "friendship" and "no means no". Realizing that he'd reached an obstacle, Tiger-Eye decided it was time to try one of his old tactics. "Hello," he said slowly in a vague, muddled accent, "I am from…foreign country. Can you please direct me to the--how do you say?--train station?"   
  
"It looks like someone has a little problem with our old enemy, the Queen of Denial!" said the counselor, sadly shaking his head.   
  
Tiger-Eye glared at him. "One!"   
  
"Tiger-Eye!" Fish-Eye and Hawk-Eye hissed as Hawk-Eye passed the flask to Ikuko.   
  
"What?" asked the counselor as a knife throwing board fell back into the ground behind him.   
  
"Nothing," said Tiger-Eye. "And I told you, I don't have a problem!"   
  
  
***  
"I'm so glad my mother is finally getting the help she deserves!" Serena said happily. "We've done our good deed for the day, Rini!"   
  
"I don't know, Serena," said Rini. "Those funny looking men with nice hair and big earrings looked awfully familiar…"   
  
Serena shrugged. "Oh, Rini, they were probably just your standard alcoholics. You know the type."   
  
"Do alcoholics have thick, luxurious hair?" Rini asked.   
  
They both looked at their bizarre pigtails, Serena with more ease than Rini. On the shiny, vibrant hair scale, they were somewhere between Mina and Lita. "I don't know," Serena replied. "But we're going to find out!"   
  
  
***  
"Sometimes I just want to be held," Tiger-Eye admitted.   
  
Fish-Eye and Hawk-Eye burst out laughing. "You wuss," said Fish-Eye.   
  
"Oh, look who's talking, Fish!"   
  
"I'm Fiore today, remember?"   
  
"Isn't that appropriate," said Hawk-Eye.   
  
The counselor sighed. "First of all, I don't think you should say things like that, Fiore," he told Fish-Eye.   
  
"And why are you laughing?" Tiger-Eye asked Hawk-Eye. "You want to be some rich old bat's pool boy and call her 'Mommy!'" Ikuko slowly began to scoot away from Hawk-Eye.   
  
"Boy toy, not pool boy," Hawk-Eye corrected him.   
  
"You need therapy," said Fish-Eye.   
  
"I need therapy?" asked Hawk-Eye. "You went after a twelve year old!"   
  
"He had nice skin! And Ti--John went after a ten year old!"   
  
"She was at least eleven," Tiger-Eye muttered.   
  
"I'm also seeing a lack of support here," the counselor continued. "Now, do friends call each other names?" Before the Trio could comment, he went on to say, "No, friends look out for each other and support each other, especially when one of them is trying to combat alcoholism. Or in this case, all of them."   
  
"Friends", as mentioned before, was a difficult concept for evil animal people. "I wouldn't call us friends," said Hawk-Eye.   
  
"We've just slept together a few times," said Fish-Eye.   
  
Tiger-Eye, meanwhile, was remembering the failure at the beach. "Maybe we are friends," he said. "Because last night we seemed to be doing a lot of what that blue haired braniac was doing to that little twerp. Of course, she claimed that was a life saving technique, and we were just plastered again…"   
  
"I don't even remember being drunk," said Fish-Eye.   
  
"I think someone's ready to admit she has a problem!" the counselor said cheerfully.   
  
"I don't ever remember being drunk," said Hawk-Eye.   
  
"I'm so happy," the counselor continued, wiping a smug tear from his eye. "We're making so much progress...all except for you, John..."   
  
"They're not making progress!" snapped Tiger-Eye. "We just don't get drunk..."   
  
"So you admit you weren't drunk last night?" asked Fish-Eye, looking smug.   
  
"As if! I admit nothing!"   
  
Hawk-Eye raised an eyebrow. "Did you just say 'as if'?" he asked.   
  
"You said 'whatever' and 'bugging' yesterday, mama's boy!" snapped Tiger-Eye.   
  
  
***  
"Serena, did you have too much juice again?" asked Raye.   
  
"Do I have nice hair yet?" an extremely disheveled Serena asked.   
  
"What?" asked Lita, Mina, Ami, and Raye.   
  
"We're seeing if all alcoholics get nice hair like those three people at the AA meeting," Rini explained. "Serena, I don't feel so good..."   
  
Lita and Ami, both of whom were down on the bad end of the hair scale, especially now that Amara was gone, exchanged a glance. "I wonder if that works," said Lita.   
  
"There's no scientific evidence for it," Ami said, shaking her head. "In fact, instead of giving themselves male villain quality hair, these two are damaging their bodies!"   
  
"So remember, kids, just say no! Sailor Moon says!" Serena slurred before starting to giggle shrilly.   
  
Raye turned to the others. "Can I hit her?" she asked.   
  
"I don't think you should," said Mina.   
  
"She probably won't feel it," added Lita.   
  
"That's insubordi..." Serena paused. She wasn't quite sure she'd know what word she was looking for even if she'd been sober. "In the name of the moon, I'll punish you, Raye! Now where's my Cosmic Rainbow Cresent Moon Wand of Champions of Spiral Justice?"   
  
As Serena began to look through her pockets, her friends formed a huddle. "She's making up scepter names again," Mina whispered.   
  
"I'm going to call Luna," said Ami. "There's no way we can deal with this on our own!"   
  
  
***  
Tiger-Eye sat down next to Ikuko. "I feel much better," he announced. "Can we go?"   
  
"I don't think this counts as professional help," Fish-Eye said, sulking.   
  
A quiet looking man with glasses stood up. "Hello, my name is Mr. Kitakata, and I have a drinking problem," he announced. "I used to be an artist, but then...I met this girl in this forest." He laughed bitterly. "And I was dumb enough to think she was some kind of fairy..."   
  
"He is," Tiger-Eye muttered. Fish-Eye glared at him.   
  
"I thought I'd met the girl of my dreams," Kitakata continued. "Then, when I saw her again, she turned into a man and did something...to me." He took a deep breath. "That's when I started drinking."   
  
"Cry me a river! Your dreams were lousy anyway!" Fish-Eye snapped.   
  
"If you three can't be supportive, you're going to have to leave," the counselor said.   
  
The Trio exchanged a glance. "I guess there's only one thing we can do," said Hawk-Eye. Fish-Eye and Tiger-Eye nodded.   
  
  
***  
"How are we going to explain this to that old...thing?" asked Tiger-Eye as the Amazon Trio walked back to the circus tent.   
  
"Don't worry," said Hawk-Eye. "I've got a plan."   
  
  
***  
"Amazon Trio! How do you explain this?" Zirconia barked several hours later as Zircon projected a video of the Trio drinking and shuffling through pictures as normal.   
  
"It's water," said Fish-Eye.   
  
"You put olives in water?" Zirconia asked.   
  
"Sure! It's like how some people put...lemons or...uhm...other things in water!" Fish-Eye continued, starting to sweat.   
  
Zirconia looked at Hawk-Eye and Tiger-Eye, who managed feeble grins of innocence. "Do you think I'm stupid?" s/he asked.   
  
"Of course not, Grand Zirconia!" Tiger-Eye replied, bowing.   
  
Zirconia thought things over for a moment. While it was highly unlikely that the Trio had moved from hard and other forms of liquor to water, there was no way that even creatures as stupidly arrogant as they were would have the balls to lie to him/her. More importantly, if their spirits were broken, performances such as the one from the night before would be highly unlikely or at least less frequent. Or, worse still, the Amazon Trio might stop either ignoring Zircon at convenient moments or stop posing for the eyeball while alone. "You're dismissed," s/he finally said. The Trio bowed and left, most likely heading off to their bar to leer at targets while drinking…well, whatever they planned to call it if questioned again.   
  
Zircon, sensing that its master might need cheering up, projected the infamous footage from the night before. Zirconia smiled at it before returning his/her attention to things the Amazon Trio apparently tried while they were bored. Alcoholism wasn't helping their work, but at least it hadn't ruined their bodies or their sex drives yet…   



End file.
